TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from place. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let us have A further spot the place American Guys can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Anyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he ought to end employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You realize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Room, a feature being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned Trump Tower Damascus twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting attention from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have transform-down services."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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